how to love your depressed lover.
Last night I thought I kissed
the loneliness from out your belly button.
I thought I did, but later you sat up,
all bones and restless hands, and told me
there is a knot in your body that I cannot undo.
I never know what to say to these things.
“It’s okay.” “Come back to bed.”
“Please don’t go away again.”
Sometimes you are gone for days at a time
and it is all I can do not to call the police,
file a missing person’s report, even though
you are right there, still sleeping next to me
in bed. But your eyes are like an empty house
in winter: lights left on to scare away intruders.
Except in this case I am the intruder and you
are already locked up so tight that no one
could possibly jimmy their way in.
Last night I thought I gave you a reason
not to be so sad when I held your body like
a high note and we both trembled from the effort.
Some people, though, are sad against all reason,
all sensibility, all love. I know better now.
I know what to say to the things you admit to me
in the dark, all bones and restless hands.
“It’s okay.” “You can stay in bed.”
“Please come back to me again.”
Also, if you are going to date someone with a mental illness (or any illness) make sure you have accepted that they might not get better for a very long time, if ever.
Do not enter the relationship thinking that you can fix them or that they will be fine in a few months. Never do that.
Movies really give us a false sense of what happens in these cases.
18 Months by Calvin Harris is my favourite album at the moment… What has happened to me?
Every so often I forget how lucky I am. I definitely did last week.
But now that my boyfriend has been out of contact for three days, it hits me again. He is my best friend in the whole world, he always has my best interests at heart, he cares about me and makes me laugh and gives great cuddles and is sexy, and he, for some unknown reason, loves me too.
I am lucky, very lucky. I missed him a lot while he’s been in stupid Budapest with no phone, but he’s home tomorrow and I genuinely can’t wait even for an email from him.
He is the most important person in my life, and I can’t wait to move in with him and start our future :)